yeah, can’t help it, Star Wars is all that anyone is talking, posting and tweeting about, so I figured it would be kinda of a catchy blog title.

I really do try my best to keep things positive and lighthearted, even when I am telling it “like it is” but there really have been some dark days during this last almost year and a half since the accident. I may end up deleting this later, because I prefer to keep things on the positive side, but I feel the need to at the very least write this down for therapeutic reasons.

if you have read this blog since the accident, then you know how very scary things were that day back in July 2014 when I got “the” phone call from Tanner. to be completely honest, I think I was in auto-mode that day and truly had no idea of the gravity of his injury. I remember my sister Lisa calling me and I don’t remember her saying anything other than, “I’m on my way” – I looked like a train wreck, the house was a DISASTER and I stood there for a few minutes not even sure of what I was supposed to do. I think I told that part back in the beginning, but just had a flashback of it this morning and got that anxious feeling in my chest and that’s why I am writing.

I am also sure that my sister knew a lot more than I did on the three hour drive to Roanoke that day, but she never said anything and kept me distracted and we talked about anything but what we were going to face at the hospital.

I absolutely HATE talking on the phone, so I made only a few calls, started a chain of group texts, and asked certain people to be my point of contact and they would in turn, pass things on. This was not well-received by some and I had a couple of not so pleasant phone calls that were irate at me for not calling them directly. I literally had to hang up on one person, and screened all of my calls from that point on. I certainly did not need the added stress and that’s all I am going to say about that.

when we got to Roanoke that day, we actually went to the wrong hospital at first…we really only knew that they were flying him to the closest trauma center in Roanoke but didn’t get the name of the hospital until we were literally in town. I think that’s when my chest started to hurt and I just wanted to see my boys, who were traumatized and overwhelmed having seen their dad not only get hurt but watch him go by ambulance to a field and be put in a helicopter. Tanner was upset that they did not allow him to go with him, but in hindsight, I am certain that it was for the best. thankful to my brother and our friend Rich for being there to take the boys to the hospital…what a long ride that must have been for them. 😦

pretty sure I covered the hospital arrival in my first “accident” post…suffice it to say, I was still kind of stunned, still not real sure what we were in for. boy, was I NOT prepared. it was a very, very long day.

that night, one of the guys that had been at the riding trails that morning set us up in a motel for a couple of nights so we’d be close to the hospital. not too many choices at the last minute, and he was using travel points, so there was no cost, which was a relief, but it was kind of sketchy to say the least. the dark side…around 2 am…the boys get a knock on their door (we were in connecting rooms) and thinking something had happened, Tanner opens it up…only to have a “woman” standing there asking him if he “wanted sex”!!!! now mind you, he immediately said, “um, no!” and shut the door and went back to sleep. as soon as he told us…THE NEXT MORNING! =O we didn’t even check out…we grabbed our things and left…FAST! I told this story a couple of times, and for the most part, we laugh because the way that Tanner tells it, it is kinda funny. but, in hindsight, it scares me to death, knowing that it could have been a guy and he could have forced his way into the room…and bad things could have happened. and seriously, I don’t need a lecture on dwelling on the “what ifs” – it was a scary end to a horrible day!

needless to say, I ended up sleeping in a not so comfortable chair in the hospital for the remainder of the week, my poor sister stayed there with me one night too – no sleep for either of us…

the boys went home with a local congregation brother that had met us at the hospital the day before…he took good care of them, and it was indeed a blessing. we met quite a few new friends, saw some old friends, were fed, encouraged and even managed to laugh a little. I hope they all know how very grateful I am.

in between then and now…lots a good things have happened, I’ve already written most of those…and lots of not so great things, I’m sure I have lightly touched on some. care-taking while working full-time, being a mom, and trying to take care of the most important things is, in a nutshell REALLY, REALLY HARD! I spent many days crying in the shower, quietly so that no one could hear me, crying in my car, or at the oddest places…like the middle of the grocery store. I work so hard to keep a smile on my face, to be the bright spot in Larry’s day, to focus on the positive but sometimes, I would literally just break. there are days when he would actually say he didn’t want to wake up, when he wanted to die, when he would be so hard on himself that it was just torture to hear. even now, just the other day, he asked if they could put him into a coma for the next few months as he awaits two more surgeries. (quick update regarding that: his last surgery was two weeks ago, they removed the hardware from his leg and we honestly went in scared to death that it would be bad news, like an infection that would inhibit his leg completely. thankfully, surgery went well and he is home recovering from that and there will be two more =I – one, in about 4 or 5 weeks, they will go in, take a calf muscle and some skin and transfer it to the front of his leg – this will give his poor, beat up leg – good skin and blood flow for the next surgery, which will be a knee replacement. each surgery he has to wait at least 6 weeks for the next. so, I am guessing that by early summer, maybe, hopefully, he will be walking with a lot less pain and ease.)

anyway, back to the ugly…if you haven’t ever changed wound dressings, emptied urinals, given kitchen sinks baths, among other things…then you have no idea how hard that was for him and for me. he lost some of his dignity and I literally hurt for him in my heart because I could see his suffering. it wasn’t pretty…

the other dark side of something like this is one I hate talking about, but to be honest, it’s there, it’s like a giant elephant in our life right now and I hate it. this has financially devastated us…we are heading into our third year of surgery bills, deductibles, we lost just about half of his paycheck a few months ago and mine is going to be significantly smaller as of next month because I have to add them all to my insurance at work. we found a way to pay off some of our debts that had added up over the years, and I am working hard on trying to manage the countless medical bills that we have but it’s been a huge kick in the guts to our budget. it was kind of the year for everything in the house to break down, for the car to break down, for my youngest to have a ginormous growth spurt and for me to take care of some health issues as well. I kept thinking, can one more thing break or go wrong…wait for it…yes it can! I have to laugh to keep from crying but seriously I could use a good cry too. and trust me, I take them now, doesn’t seem to matter who is around me now…the tears will just burst out!

the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion was something we had to work on – so it wouldn’t take us over. sometimes we still struggle, but the bright light in all of this darkness, was that spiritually, we remained strong. when we couldn’t be at the kingdom hall, or just didn’t have the energy to go and try to smile or look human, we listened in…and though we weren’t physically there, we were still encouraged by our friends.

I am sure there is more, but I really do try to look at the blessings, to appreciate the small things, to be grateful for what we have, which is a lot more important than money, or the lack of, or anything else for that matter. we have HOPE and faith that will not be shaken no matter how hard life tries to break us. we have dear friends that have fed us, and fed us well!! we have made new friends, that have gone out of their way to be supportive when we needed it the most, friends that make me laugh, that love us even when we are gloomy (you know who you are!) and most of all, we have each other…which is cheesy but it’s the truth. Tanner is my true north, he keeps me calm and is wise beyond his years and Logan is my comic relief, he makes me laugh even when I don’t want to sometimes.

so, that’s that…it’s not pretty, but I needed to get it out. my friend Maria told me that writing is good therapy, cleansing for the soul…and she is right. I do feel better now.

until next time